Up the Down Escalator

After realizing that the Republicans were secretly working with the aliens to brainwash society and keep the working man down, I put on my Ray Ban knockoffs, saw the world how it really is, chewed some bubble gum and kicked ass.

All that is to say, I have found a home and life finally appears on the upswing. Since I had a little change in my pocket and since the NY (Football) Giants were in the Super Bowl, I decided to celebrate my good fortune like a true poor person: By gambling it away. But no mere Indian casino or riverboat would do...Vegas was the only choice.

Instead of boring you with another "What happened in Vegas" story (and for legal reason, since the police are bound to find those dead hookers eventually), I'll present a Vegas guide for the down-on-his-luck degenerate.

THE VAGABOND'S GUIDE TO VEGAS (IN FIVE EASY STEPS):

1) Drop the kids somewhere safe and wholesome:

2) Pick a dish from the discount menu:

3) Do the deed and whatever you do, DON'T return to the scene of the crime:

4) Spend your hard-earned dollars in less time than it takes for your wife to say "I want a divorce":

5) And finally, go find the one peaceful place on the Strip...

...and think about how you'll be with your Nena in just one month!